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Middle school kicks relationships between kids up to a whole new level of ambiguity. In addition to the obvious shifts that middle school presents—like a new campus, a full complement ofteachers, and an increased academic load—there are more subtle changes in a child’s physical and emotional development that add complexity to the equation. The onset of puberty—in addition to the increased sense of self-awareness brought on by intense peer scrutiny—leaves many adolescents feeling emotionally insecure. Combined with the stress of an increasingly demanding academic load, these factors can make for some drama-filled friendships. If you had a hard time understanding the rhyme or reason behind these relationships before, it will likely seem even tougher as the kids become bona-fide teenagers.
Focus questions: What are your child’s greatest strengths and challenges in the area of peer relationships? How do you support the development of positive, healthy friendships in your child’s life? What concerns do you have about your child’s friends? Have you shared your concerns with your child?
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Here are some suggestions for opening up the lines of communication. Kids anticipate the inevitable blast of parent questions at the end of a school day or over dinner. Choose instead to wait and listen. Instead of dominating each attempt at conversation with your own questions, try to say less and let your child do more of the talking. For example, let silence fill the space during car rides home from school (or, if your child takes the bus or carpool, during the initial after-school moments when the two of you meet up at home) instead of immediately asking questions.
Read more about this topic on pages 14-18.
Focus questions: Think of three words that would describe the last conversation you had with your child? How would you like your conversations to be? When does your child seem the most talkative? What questions did you ask your child during your last conversation?
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Unpleasant as they may be, cliques are an inevitable part of the middle school social environment. Cliques are a lot like the middle school social groups described earlier, with one important difference: they often refuse to accept new kids into the group, even those who share similar interests. These members-only social groups comes to the forefront in middle school as children become interested in more socially oriented activities. During elementary school children are encouraged to stay active on the playground before school and during break periods. On a middle school campus, the larger student population and lack of space discourage this level of physical activity.
Read more about this topic on pages 19-20.
Focus questions: Has your child spoken about cliques or groups of kids at school? Does your child prefer to spend time with a group of children or with 1-2 close friends? What action would you take if your child was being excluded from a social group at school?
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Although clique encounters can initially lead to hurt feelings, these often become easier to ignore once your child finds her own group of good friends. Bullying, however, takes exclusion beyond hurt feelings to serious abuse. The classic stereotype of the bully is an older, more physically imposing boy threatening and beating up a smaller boy. Yet today’s forms of abuse extend beyond this style of aggression. Although physical abuse still occurs among adolescents, the incidence of emotional bullying through electronic means—cyberbullying—is on the rise among both boys and girls, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet and cell phones.
Read more about this topic on pages 21-26.
Focus questions: What is the bullying policy at your child’s school? Are you aware of any bullying incidents at your school? What would you do if your child was being bullied? How would you know if your child was being bullied? How does cyberbullying differ from other forms of bullying?
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Although it may be hard for parents to imagine a twelve-yearold child drinking or using drugs on a weekly basis, the latest statistics tell a different story. Consider the following five facts (statistics provided by the Marin Institute, www.marininstitute.org):
1. Every day, on average, 11,318 American youth (ages twelve to twenty) try alcohol for the first time; 6,488 try marijuana, 2,786 try cocaine, and 386 try heroin.
2. Alcohol is by far the most used and abused drug among America’s teenagers. According to a national survey, nearly one third (31.5 percent) of all high school students reported hazardous drinking (more than five drinks in one setting) during the thirty days preceding the survey.
3. Children who are drinking alcohol by seventh grade are more likely to report academic problems, substance use, and delinquent behavior in both middle school and high school. By young adulthood, early alcohol use is associated with employment problems, other substance abuse, and criminal and other violent behavior.
4. Young people who begin drinking before age fifteen are four times more likely to develop alcoholism than those who begin drinking at twenty-one.
5. Alcohol is a leading cause of death among youth, particularly teenagers. It contributes substantially to adolescent motor vehicle crashes, other traumatic injuries, suicide, date rape, and family and school problems.
Read more about this topic on pages 28-31.
Focus questions: Do any of the statistics above shock you? What action would you take if your child was using drugs or drinking alcohol? What is the drug and alcohol policy at your child’s school? When are middle schoolers most likely to use drugs or drink alcohol?
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As if all the aforementioned topics weren’t enough for your middle schooler to deal with, stress-driven depression can also set in around this time, as he tries to cope with the many social, emotional, and physical changes he’s experiencing. Transitional times can trigger increased anxiety in today’s middle schoolers. The uncertainty of a new school year, coupled with the potential for academic overload, is enough to frazzle an adolescent mind.
Read more about this topic on pages 32-35.
Focus questions: What is the prevalence of depression among middle school age children today? What are the top causes of depression in today’s children? What are some of the common signs of depression in children? When are children at the greatest risk of becoming depressed? What are you doing to help your child maintain a positive and healthy mental attitude?
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Anticipate. Look for opportunities to talk with your child this week. If the family calendar looks busy, consider plotting a few days and times on your personal calendar when you will have one-on-one time with your child. Although car rides to and from school are not ideal times to strike up a conversation, they may be the only time available during busy weeks. Strive for a minimum of three conversations with your child in the coming seven days. The minutes before and after meals or a night out at the movies provide wonderful opportunities to connect with your child.
Participate. Remember to start conversations with “How” questions. Questions that begin with “What and Why” can put kids on the defensive, effectively ending your conversation before it has a chance to get started. The subtle difference between “How did you…” and “Why did you…” can mean either, the beginning of a wonderful conversation or something resembling a game of twenty questions. If you are unsure of how to begin a conversation, then wait and listen. Often the silence between you and your child will trigger a question or comment from your child that develops into a conversation. The goal of your conversations is to listen more than you speak. Try to stay focused on asking questions that keep the conversation moving forward, rather than statements that tend to bring the focus back to you.
Celebrate. Every conversation you share is a win, so celebrate. Acknowledging the small successes in your parent-child relationship can keep you on a positive track, particularly when arguments or adolescent angst threatens to derail your relationship. Consider writing about the positive moments you share with your child. When your relationship hits a low point, as it occasionally will, reading through a journal of positive memories may renew your enthusiasm for sharing some one-on-one time with your child.
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What’s on your mind? Are you concerned about any of the focus topics discussed this week? Peer relationships play a significant role in your child’s continued emotional development. Bullying, cliques, sex, drugs and alcohol, and depression find their way into the lives of middle schoolers everyday. As a parent, you won’t have the answers to every question your child asks or the knowledge to solve every problem. Add an extra player to your parenting team. Send Joe an email with your questions or concerns about this week’s focus topics. Or peek in on the online community of parents to see what people are talking about.
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| "Aidan hardly ever talked until the day I realized I wasn’t giving him a chance to. I stopped peppering him with so many questions all the time, and he started opening up. Now he jumps into the car after practice and immediately starts talking about the players and coaches." ~ John, middle school parent, Phoenix, AZ |
| “I was afraid to get on the bus, go to class, and walk down the halls. Text messages and voice mails kept coming. The worst part was I didn’t know who the bully was. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought it would get worse. I finally decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I went to a teacher and asked for help. My life got better after that. The bullying stopped and I felt safe going to school again.” ~ Sam, sixth grader, San Francisco, CA |
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Coaching Tip: As new peer groups frequently form and dissolve, your child will almost certainly find himself left out at one time or another. Stand by for emotional support, but again, allow these normal adolescent ups and downs to play themselves out, and resist the urge to jump in and save the day. Your child may meet even your well-intended suggestions with a less than grateful reply. Avoid bruising your own relationship with your child—steer clear of the day-to day adolescent drama.