Chapter 6 - "Thriving as a Family during Middle School"

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Chapter 6 Introduction

The previous chapters of this book have given you the foundation for guiding and supporting your child through many of middle school’s most challenging aspects. In this final chapter we will look at how your parenting role will grow and change as you confront the daily challenges of adolescence. Although the ideas presented here are grounded in research and practice, be aware that simply reading them is not enough; they require consistent action.

We begin with a look at what adolescents wish parents knew. Drawn from conversations with children and parents over the past twenty years, the following list highlights high priority concerns that, if neglected, can quickly lead to frustration between family members. Read this list with careful and thorough consideration, keeping in mind that what kids perceive they need and want is often different from what will actually move them forward in their development. The list serves as a launching point for further discussion about vision, goals, and a solid foundation of emotional support for your child in the years ahead.

Focus questions:  How often does your family come together to talk and make decisions? Do you parent your children the same way you were parented? How has your family changed in the past year?

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Chapter 6 Focus Topics:

Unofficial Adolescent Credo
I need your help even though I rarely ask. Unsolicited assistance is rarely appreciated, particularly when friends are around. Finding ways to remain present, yet invisible, takes time and practice. Look for opportunities when you can spend time alone with your child. A car ride to pick up friends or the rare moment at home without the rest of the family offer opportune moments for your child to ask for your guidance. But the car ride to and from school typically is less ideal. A day at school requires incredible focus for most kids, and the minutes before and after school can be filled with emotion, so don’t count on these times for meaningful interactions. Although your child may ask for your help less often than in the past, know that when he does ask, your words and subsequent actions will have incredible impact.
Read more about this topic on pages 130-132.

Focus questions:  What emotional changes have you noticed in your child over the last six months? When was the last time your child asked for your help? What parts of your child’s life still require your direct participation?

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Building your support team
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, today’s generation of schoolage children spend the majority of their waking hours in the care of someone other than their parents. Given the influence that teachers, coaches, mentors, and extended family members have on a child’s development, it’s essential to build a relationship with this group of people. You’ll need to make a shift in your usual parental role to create a team of focused and motivated individuals who will continually support the ongoing growth of your child.
Read more about this topic on pages 133-136.

Focus questions: Who do you anticipate adding to your child’s support team in the coming year? How will the relationship you have with your child change in the coming year? How will your parenting role change in the coming years?

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Family meetings don’t work
Does the term family meetings bring back fond memories from your childhood? No? Many of my experiences as both a child and now as an adult talking with children have confirmed that family meetings follow a typical pattern: parents speak, children listen. Reflecting on my own childhood experiences, I remember my parents focusing on their expectations of responsibility and respect. As their accusations and my defenses escalated, most meetings took on an adversarial tone. Not exactly a picture-perfect moment of quality family time together. You can provide a different experience by reframing the family meeting as a “weekly check-in.” Different from the traditional family meeting, the weekly checkin focuses on positive comments, goal setting, and acknowledgment of effort and achievement. The notion behind the check-in is simply to bring everyone together as the name implies—to check in. Rather than waiting for problems to arise that would dictate a call to action, you hold check-ins regularly; this helps stave off potential trouble before it reaches a critical reactionary state.
Read more about this topic on pages 137-140.

Focus questions:  When was your last family meeting? How does the weekly check-in differ from the traditional family meeting? When can your entire family sit down together for a weekly check-in?

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Picture, plan, and promote time together
Family dinners with everyone gathered around plates of homemade food are heartwarming to think about, but these Norman Rockwell renditions of the American family are far from what most of us experience on a daily basis. For many families, including ours, mealtimes may not be the ideal times to bring everyone together. Although we strive to share at least one meal together each day, there are days when we are moving in too many different directions. The alternative for many families is finding time outside of traditional chow time to connect and share valuable experiences together. Try each of the following strategies to identify some of the places where your family might find time to share. My guess is that you will discover more opportunities than you previously thought existed.
Read more about this topic on pages 140-143.

Focus questions: How do you want your family to be this year? Are you making decisions that are aligned with your family vision? What decisions threaten to take you away from the direction you hoped to go?

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Why expectations are important
It is important for middle school parents to create and communicate a set of high expectations for your child’s ongoing development. But be careful not to confuse high expectations with unrealistic goals that have little to no hope of being realized. High expectations clearly articulate the boundaries that you believe to be achievable in your child’s life. The challenge comes in trying to accurately and objectively determine what is appropriate for your child, given his current level of development. In the area of academic achievement, parents can easily overload their child with advanced classes and optional electives that push the child beyond the limit of what’s possible. What a parent believes to be realistic and what an adolescent perceives as realistic can differ dramatically. The following story helps to illustrate this point.
Read more about this topic on pages 143-144.

Focus questions: How did you communicate your academic expectations to your child? How do you know if your academic expectations are realistic? What expectations do you have for your child’s participation in family activities? What is the most challenging part of creating a realistic set of expectations for your child?

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Envision the ideal school year
Is academic achievement at the top of the list, or do you hope this will be the year your child breaks out of her social shell? Who will guide your child’s development? A vision defines a direction toward a goal. Realizing a vision requires support from a motivated group of individuals—a team of people who band together through adversity, inspire motivation, and acknowledge achievement.
Read more about this topic on pages 150-153.

Focus questions: How does creating a vision differ from a list of goals? Does your child’s vision for the school year differ from yours? How often should you revisit your family’s vision?

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Chapter 6 Action Steps

Anticipate. Finding time to share together as a family can become challenging during the middle school years. Building a routine, early in the school year that includes time for a weekly check-in as well as a family activity sets the tone for a successful and fulfilling year for everyone. Although the months prior to a new school year are ideal for creating new routines, the desire to commit to a change may be enough to spur motivation and start down a new path.

Participate. Plot a date on the calendar for your family’s first weekly check-in. Solicit everyone’s participation in the scheduling to ensure their attendance. Commit to a timeslot of 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted together time for your first check-in. Stick to the time frame you advertised if you hope to have everyone back a second time. Download the Weekly Check-in Agenda to use as a sample template at your first few check-ins.

Celebrate. Every moment you share together is a time to celebrate. The time you have with your child is fleeting. Within a span of 4-7 years you will see your son or daughter walk out the front door for the last time. Cherish the time you spend together, even the difficult moments. Look forward to weekly check-ins as a time to celebrate achievement and your shared commitment to the family’s vision.

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Click and Connect
What’s on your mind? Are you concerned about any of the focus topics discussed this week? Send Joe an email with your questions or concerns about this week’s focus topics. Or peek in on the online community of parents to see what people are talking about. Families come together in different ways. The online community is your extended family, ready and willing to share ideas and celebrate success with you. As you come to the end of the book take a moment to consider how you have changed since reading page one. What ideas will you put into action today?

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